Sunday, February 7, 2016

The price i pay - Artist evolution

Whenever people ask me where i learn how to draw and that i said "i've been to Art School" they always have that same look. The look that says "oh makes sense, u learned everything there" and then when i say to them "i didn't learn to draw in art school" they always ask the same question : What did you learn in art school then ?
I stayed 3 years. From 2007 to 2010. Only now i realized what i really learned during those 3 years.
And i also wonder if it was probably the best experience of my life or the worse. I know it was probably the one that made me grow the most.

I also think it's the one experience that made me afraid of art. 
Yes, Afraid.

I'm going to talk about something i wanted to talk for a long time. I realized that there's no way for me to really make a video about it - Althought i might tackle this one day - so i figured it would be an interesting topic to approach here.
I want to tell you more about the price i pay and what art school has done to me.
As i said, i didn't learn to draw. or color. or paint. or anything technical for that matter, althought i had a few color theory approaches and some basic practice, the teachers weren't necessary trying to make us become "good" artists or "good" painters or anything like that.
The main approach during those 3 years was the absract concept of "developping your art"
Developping is a large concept, it can be about the themes your want to approach, the tools you're going to use, the meaning behind what you'll produce.
That's something i never asked myself before going to art school. That's something i never thought i'll have to ask myself. That's something i'm able to put in words now but wasn't able to when i was in art school at all.
I was just drawing. I didn't have intentions, i didn't have a motive, i didn't have anything to say. I didn't want people to feel something when they see my work.
I was just drawing. Just, drawing.
And i was enjoying it for the whole purpose of drawing, as an escape, as a pleasure, as this little extension of my imagination. Because the creative process made me simply happy. Not the outcome, not the idea, not the message. Just the art as a all.

It all changed with art school. It also changed within time, of course. Every artist's art is growing as the artist grow. My art is within me, if i change, if i evolve, my art HAS to evolve. If i'm not connected to my work, that means something's off, something's wrong, something's missing.
You see my problem here ? Every single time i'm beginning my creative process, i ALWAYS have to ask myself "why"
Before art school, before people made me ask questions about my work, i never never asked "why" i was drawing or painting. I was just doing it. Now, every piece i produce, every bits of myself that i pour into my work as to resonate within me, has to mean something, needs a message, a motive, a reason.
I want to transcend my work, make it matter, make it special, unique, grandiose, memorable.
I didn't want that before, i never even wondered about such things. Many artists are simply making art just to make art, they don't ask themselves why all the time right ?
I can't do free art anymore. I'm scared of everything i'm going to draw or paint because i'm scared it will be useless, boring, irrelevant and a simili of the art i really want to make.
I'm scared of it because i see works of art, wonderful works of art, everywhere around me, whenever i see the work of another artist, i always ask the same question i'm asking myself "WHY"
Why did they do it ? because if i know why, i'm sure i'll figure it out myself for my own work. Then most of the time, there's no reasons, it's just there, it just happened. They didn't ask themselve before doing it, they just did.
Then i ask myself "HOW" ? how did they do it without even thinking about the reasons? How to thrive as an artist whitout being constantly harrassed by thoughts about the process, the means, the skills, the fear of being plain and make art that doesn't matter or will never matter because everyone else either did it before you or are doing it already ?
What makes us different ? why is there so many artists ? why some can't make it, some can ? who decide who matters and who don't ?
Why is this so important to me ?? why can't i enjoy the simple process and the journey instead on focusing on the outcome ? WHy am i always dreaming about the kind of art i want to do but i can't never capture it fully ?

Art school destroyed my art freedom. They made me question every single thing and never told me to enjoy the process of be happy about my work and just go with the flow. Because of that, i can't produce anything without having a reason for it. I always find a reason. It's for Youtube, it's a commission, it's for my artbook, it's for this or for that. I might sell it. This is simply "for my job"
This is for "something" but never just for the Art itself.

Art School made me realize how art was important to me. how it was the only thing i could be proud off one day. How important and amazing it would made me feel if i found a way to make it matter and if i found my inner peace through it. I only realize that now.

I went through phases, i think every artist is going through this. I'm not alone, i know plenty of us think all this and we are constantly struggling to channel our thoughts, imagination with tangible content that will made us proud and happy. I tried things before, i'm not saying that i'm not evolving as a person and by extension as an artist. I do. I have changed over the past 5 years. I think my Art made me grow and that i made my Art grow too.
But not enough. not as much as i want. not as much as i hoped.
I'm not where i want to be. I'm not happy. I'm not proud.
I believe there's a reason why i'm an Artist, i do have something in me that needs time to grow and change to be out there. A part of my true creative self that's been changed and modified when i was still a teenager, that part, that emotion, that sparkle i had before Art School that made me want to eat the world with my works. Art school made me grow but also made it harder for me to keep evolving.
I want to find a way to finally access those thoughts, those ideas, i can't pin point exactly what, i don't think it's essential to even gave a term for it but something's inside, somethin's blocked.
Whenever i see the work of an artist that i love and i feel connected to it and i'm like "i wish it was done by my hands, i should have done this, this represents me and how i feel" i'm also dying inside.
I'm dying because i didn't do that artwork and i'm dying because it has been done already and i think there's no point trying to do it now since others already filled that gap/that path.

I don't matter.
And i fuckin hate the fact that i feel the need to matter.
But it's more than this. It's not a vanity issue, I don't want to be famous.
I want people to feel inspired, truely, fully, entirely captivated about what i do.
I know some are feeling that way towards what i do right now and i appreciate it.
I also know a lot of my followers are enjoying my evolution and are accepting every twist of it.

Others can be a reason to make art.
I'm not making it for myself only. I never actually wanted to put myself out there. I don't do self portraits, i don't have to look at me to thrive or evolve. I want my art to be directed at others, at their emotions, at Humans in general, but i'm a part of it, i'm like within the brush strokes, i'm in the lines, i'm in the colors. I'm the creator. But what i want is to see myself in the Artwork without seeing myself at all.

I want to look at something i did and be unable to look away when it's done.
I want to have shivers when i see something i did.
I want to touch people.

And i don't know how
And i don't know why

I've been feeling like that for months. I'm trying so so hard to push myself but i'm torn between what i want to do, what i wish i was doing, what i have to do and that constant battle within me about the pure enjoyment of art without questionning it, simply making what my habit makes me do and this loud voice in my head saying to myself "you're doing another pretty girl portrait with flowers, you did that hundreds of time, stop it, it's useless, boring and it won't make you evolve"

I feel good and bad
I feel stuck instead of feeling free
I should be happy for what i have already but i can't content myself because i feel i deserve more
I know i have something to show, something deeper, but i can't never put myself into a position where i'm going to really tackle those urges because of stupid reasons such as "i don't have the time for it" or "it's too hard" or "i can't make it" or "i have to do this first, and this, and this"
It's true, i don't really have the time or the luxury to stop everything i'm doing (Youtube, commissions and online shop) to just experiment or go in an Art Retrait or something like that.

But even if i was going, same questions over and over again.
Why would i even care about finding my true artist self if everything that comes to my mind has already been done by others ? why can't i find this little thing that will made me different ? and why do i even care about being different anyway ?!
I don't know
Does this make me cocky ? does this makes me arrogant ? to just want to be remembered ?

Will i ever get the courage to just break free from all this ?
How can i evolve and still enjoy the process ?
How to find the balance between what you have to do, what you want to do, what you can do and what you can't ?

Being an Artist is both a blessing and a curse.
I adore it, i hate it too. Sometimes i feel unique and special, something i feel like nothing.
I can spend hours thinking about art and still not produce anything i like.
I believe Artists have something non artists don't have.
What exactly ? i don't know
I just see things differently.
I just really really really want to find a way to be fully proud of what i'm doing but still find a way to feel ok when i'm not proud of it.

Am i getting there ?
Is the price i pay that constant fear of failure mixed with that constant feeling of pride ?
Are Artists destined to fight themselves for their entire life ?

I hope i'll find a way.
I definitely think putting it in words helps.
But in the end, i'm the only one who can make the choice.
I'm the only one who can decide if it worth the try or not.
I will never find my true self i don't even really search for it.
I can't never be the Artist i want to be if i don't really paint, draw and create, even the shittiest most conformist work of art you can do.

I can only try and hope it will work one day.
I can only try and hope to be proud one day



  1. You put everything I'm feeling into words, not just about art about everything. I know that everyone wants to make a mark, to be remembered for something good, something like art, something that leaves an example, inspiration, hope, and whatever else one might hope to pass on to others. This is not selfish, or arrogant, or wrong, it is simply the human experience. As far as you said about not knowing if you should create something or not because someone else has, I know the feeling. And I want to say, it doesn't have to be anything about how many times someone has already done or drawn something. It has to do with impact. I look at a duck painted with oil paints for example, and think "oh, look a duck. That's kinda cool" and move on. But then let's say I look at another artists' duck, done with oil paints, and think "wow. This looks almost exactly alike, but yet somehow, this.. this speaks to me."

    And yet, if someone else looked at the latter duck they might think oh a duck, and wow this speaks to me, about the former duck.

    If everyone thought to never do something someone else has, there wouldn't be artists. It's not so much about how much something is done, or how many times, it's the impact it leaves in the viewer, the reader, the audience. So manh people can write a story about a princess, but only few who wrote the princess books will receive an award for it.

    Also I want to say to you, your art may never have an impact on one person and yet the same piece could touch another's heart. Everyone relates to different art it different ways. And so, another point I want to stress about is if you need a reason to make art, have the reason to make it for yourself. I believe having fun with every bit or the art, form sketching to painting for say, is one of the most important fundamentals ever about art. Do art for yourself, because you enjoy it. Even if there is absolutely no meaning behind it, that's okay. Your art needs to please yourself before anyone else, and that's really when you'll love doing any sort of art I think, whether for youtube, or commissions, or because you want to draw that pretty girl with flowers.

    And don't worry about it being done a million times already, it's alright to allow yourself to draw something you really enjoy that you've already done alot. And another thing, I know you want to do art for others mainly. ~But~ Do art for yourself first, and then others.

    And when you can, do it for yourself and others at the same time.

    Hope this helps sweetie <33
    ~A big admiring fan, that adores not just your artwork, but you as a person. Much love <3

    1. Thank you so much <3 !! i will find a way, i'm getting there. admitting and realizing is already a huge step :)

  2. Really insightful to the behind the scenes of your youtube channel as well as your amazing personality and thoughts.I have to agree that I have come across the same dilemma and what you say is so true and perfectly phrased. Its both a curse and blessing to be an artist of some sort.
    Thank you so much for putting all these and reaching so many of us everyday , changing our lives for better with every video you post. your art has a bigger impact then you might think it has :)
    -Love, an obsessive admirer of both you as a person and the way you express yourself on paper

  3. "Afraid of art" is what really spoke to me and it sums up the dilemma. Your love of creating seems to be hurt by all these intellectual exercises of "why" and "how" and the deeper meaning and I understand how art school can imply that this is what it is all about. But as Robert Fritz phrased it so perfectly, "The reason you would create anything is because you love it enough to see it exist". You need no other reason than that.

    Striving to improve as an artist kind of comes with the territory. And it is good to have a vision. I like how you said, "I want to look at something i did and be unable to look away when it's done." How does your feeling change when you look at a painting after a couple of days? Does it start to grow on you? Do you like it less?

    You certainly touch people with your art. The person commenting on February 8 has explained perfectly how one and the same sujet will be presented differently by different artists, and each will speak to some but not to others. The same subject may have been done a million times, but no one has ever done it the same way as you do.

    Do pretty girl portraits with flowers as long as this is what your heart wants to create. This is what makes you authentic as an artist. Creating something else just because of some theory about what art is or is not, will NOT make you a better artist. And theories are fashions that change over time, they are not eternal laws. Besides, as you note yourself, all kinds of great artists have their phases, a blue phase, a red phase, a flower phase or one of paper cuttings. May your phase last as long as there are still pretty girls with flowers inside you that want to be painted.

    Last but not least, I absolutely admire your sense of colour and its vibrancy. Large scale acrylic would really lend itself well to many of your pictures. But whatever path you take remember, you do matter, already.

    1. We gain perspective as we age, so I've got a lot of it. You have a natural talent and any mark that you make will come from within. Let the world see whatever it is you love and you can,t fail. Your work is amazing!

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Salut ; je me posais la question qu'elle est le nom de cette Ecole ? Merci

    1. J'ai été à l'école supérieure d'arts de Clermont communauté en Auvergne.